"Are you just going to post about it, or are you actually going to do it?" This question, posed by a friend when I first embarked on my PhD journey, has lingered in the back of my mind for months. As someone who typically keeps my personal experiences close to the chest, I've hesitated to share the highs and lows of balancing a PhD program with work responsibilities. However, I've realized that I need to share my wins, challenges, exhaustion, and the valuable advice I've received outweighs my inclination to keep things super private.

About a month ago, during dinner with a friend who is exploring the idea of a doctoral program, I painted a relatively optimistic picture of my PhD experience. And it's true; I am genuinely enjoying the exploration of my curiosities, acquiring new skills, and engaging with an inspiring academic community. Plus, my advisor is AMAZING. She has been a crucial pillar of support, and I consider myself fortunate. However, it's time to peel back the layers and discuss the less glamorous aspects of this journey.

The Weight of Fatigue:
One of the aspects I've been hesitant to admit is the toll this journey has taken on my energy levels. Balancing a PhD program with work commitments and other side projects is undeniably exhausting. The constant juggling act between assignments, research, and professional responsibilities is a formidable challenge. There are days when fatigue sets in, but it's crucial to acknowledge this fatigue and understand that it's okay to feel tired. I recently had to cancel some prior commitments. I felt guilty at the time but was ultimately relieved to have some time to recharge.

Navigating External Challenges:
Dealing with external factors that disrupt your workflow is an inevitable part of the PhD experience. Whether it's colleagues slowing down progress, lack of resources, or working in the DEI space during tumultuous times, these external factors can add layers of complexity to an already demanding journey. Sharing my experiences openly is not just about airing grievances but about acknowledging the reality of external challenges and finding ways to overcome them.

Major Assignments and the Workload:
As major school assignments loom large, the pressure intensifies. There's a palpable sense of urgency to deliver high-quality work, and the weight of expectations can be overwhelming. It's crucial to remind myself and others that perfection is an unattainable standard.

Valuable Advice from the Trenches:
I've realized that once you tell someone you are in a doctoral program, they often offer unsolicited advice. I'll take it! I've received advice from colleges from work, old professors, and even my Uber driver in Baltimore. Here are some of the things that stuck with me.

• "Just get it done! Your dissertation certainly will not be the best thing you write. Believe me."
• "Try to defend in person. Oh, and try to feed your committee."
• "Be careful who you tell that you're pursuing a PhD. Everyone doesn't have your best interest at heart."
• "Don't try to save the world at this phase."
• "Life is going to happen. It never goes as planned"

I'll continue to gather more advice, and I will be sure to write about it.

An Open Invitation to Share and Seek Support:
Moving forward, I've decided to be more open about my experiences for the benefit of those considering a similar path. It's important to weigh the options carefully, understanding that the journey is unique for each individual. Additionally, I want to extend a reminder to my fellow PhD candidates that it's okay to be tired, but DON'T give up. You don't have to go through this alone. Seek support and find solace in the knowledge that others have faced similar challenges and emerged stronger.
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In the end, a PhD is not just about the destination but the transformative journey. Embracing the challenges, learning from the advice of those who've walked the path before, and acknowledging the fatigue are all integral parts of this process. As I navigate the remaining chapters of my PhD, I'm reminded that perseverance, resilience, and a willingness to share one's story can be as impactful as the dissertation itself.

Think about your last major decision. You may have recently bought a new house or car. Maybe you need to find a healthcare provider or specialist. Or maybe you are simply preparing to vote on election day. What steps do you take to find your answers?

My area of interest within the field of Information Science is information behavior. I am particularly interested in information-seeking behavior. After reading and some writing, I am growing to appreciate the synergy between information-seeking behavior and the supportive networks that underpin it.

We all engage in information-seeking behavior. This process, driven by our innate curiosity, consists of a handful of steps: information needs, sources of information, search strategies, and the evaluation of the sources. 

I'm currently working on a project at work. I cannot say much about it yet, but I for now, I will just say that I am conducting focus groups to better understand the information behavior of graduate students. I was shocked to learn just how integral ​people, and the communities they form, are to the way we seek, share, and utilize information. As someone who is also interested in human-computer interaction, I was surprised to learn that participants spent most of their time talking about the connections they formed instead of hours spent on a phone or computer. But what happens when those sources are limited or uninformed?

Despite the well-intentioned advice and support we receive from others in our information-seeking endeavors, we must also  acknowledge that human imperfections can sometimes lead us astray. No matter who you are, how many degrees you have, where you were born, or how many countries you have traveled to, every person comes to every situation with a unique set of biases, doubts, and limitations...all of which color the information we provide, consciously or unconsciously. Recognizing these inherent human qualities is the first step in critically evaluating the guidance we receive. Does that mean that, we should all learn about information retrieval computing models and master the nuances of Boolean logic? Well, no. Humans influence those systems too. I guess that means we are stuck making imperfect decisions.

I have had a hard time grappling with this as a perfectionist and someone who constantly lives with "what-ifs."  I did not mean for this post to cause trust issues, nor am I suggesting that you stop leveraging the power of people. I am hoping that you will embrace the complexity of information-seeking behavior, acknowledging our shared humanity with all its quirks. In our quest for knowledge, it's not just about who or what we trust, but how we trust — by being informed, open-minded, and resilient seekers of information. 

In Karen Markey's book, "Online Searching : A Guide to Finding Quality Information Efficiently and Effectively," she writes about an "information explosion" in the 1960s during the Cold War when there was an urgency for information. The Cold War was a geopolitical struggle about military might, and attempts to gain an understanding of the other side's strategies and technological advances. The Cold War may be over now, but the demand for information still remains in our fast-paced world.

I remember when my parents finally got rid of dial-up internet (insert the "you've. got. mail." voice). I could not believe that we could surf the web AND use the phone at the same time, haha. I loved feeling like I had access to almost everything: videos, images, and tons of websites. Today, of course, most of us use cell phones or we ask Alexa when we need something, and we sometimes take that access to information for granted. While access to information makes us feel free, I am realizing more and more that sincere urgency for information often comes in the midst of a real crisis.

Think of the last time that you felt a sense of urgency for information. Maybe a colleague left your office: "Could we have done anything to convince you to stay? Did we do something wrong?" Maybe you got some tough news about your health: "How did we get here? What can I do to improve?" Maybe you had a big test and felt that you had to stay up really late to study as much information as possible to be successful. 

As a data research analyst in a DEI office, I am at the forefront of the information age, but my role goes beyond collecting information. I'm mining it for valuable insights that can inform policies, practices, and initiatives. I must harness the power of this information to tell authentic stories and drive change for students, staff, faculty, and community partners. In many scenarios (dare I say, most scenarios), the urgency for information is palpable, but that urgency can be mitigated with proper preparation. I wish that we would not take advantage of access to information. I wish that we would set time aside to gather information in advance and keep abreast of the changes and trends in the world around us. I'm guilty too!

Due to the nature of my role, I don't always get to see the best of people, but I need to remember to be patient and show grace. The urgency of information is real, and sometimes, we cannot avoid it. But how can we do a better job of preparing?

This semester, I'm taking two courses, and my main deliverables are a lit review and a draft of a research proposal. As I continue to grow as a researcher and analyst, I'm learning that a successful project starts with a solid question. I developed an intake form for those at my job who request help with various projects and initiatives, and I made sure to include a section that reads, "what question(s) are you trying to answer?" Adding that section was a game-changer for me and for those around me. It forces us to stop and try to understand what we really want to know and why it is important.

I'm learning that life is the same way. As you likely know by now, I work in an Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), but I tried to stay away from DEI roles for many reasons. The main reason: when I say I work in a DEI office, many people believe that they know everything about me and how/what I think without taking the time to ask questions. Many people assume that we agree on everything or that we completely disagree. It is very strange to have such a polarizing role this early in my career, especially without any decision-making power (sure, I inform decisions, but I cannot make any major decisions), and if my job as a research analyst were in an Institutional Research Office, a lab, center, or even in a program office, I likely would not have this issue.

​This week for class, I'm reading about conceptual frameworks in "Reason and Rigor" by Sharon M. Ravitch and Matthew Riggan. They write about having a "raft of questions to grapple with" (p. 1) and how important it is to be cautious about how you go about searching for answers. They write about how "learning beyond that first stage, or foundation" gives shape to our research (p. 3). The part that sticks out to me most is on page 10: "Your goal is not to find published work that supports your point of view; rather, it is to find rigorous work that helps shape it."

When sharing my findings, collaborating on projects, or simply having conversations in the hallway, I can usually tell how productive the conversation will be based on the types of questions asked or if there are any questions at all. I know how it makes me feel, so I want to do a better job of asking questions, academically and personally, to get better, more substantive results. If you're reading this, I encourage you to

1. Stay curious and presume good will. There is so much to learn.
2. Ask good, genuine questions...lots of them. 
3. ...and try not to let the answers scare you!
4. If you find that you are asking the same question and getting the same answer, it might be time for a new question.
5. When you search for answers, try not to always go to the sources that support your view. Growth comes in the midst of discomfort. Allow the data to surprise you!

It's almost as if I live in two worlds. In one ear, I hear constant requests for surveys or other assessment tools with tight turnarounds, and in the other ear I hear, "it's OK to slow down." It's hard for me to discern which voices to listen to and when.

In Michelle R. Boyd's book, "Becoming the Writer You Already Are," she writes about "slow scholarship" and encourages the reader to push back against unrealistic expectations of productivity. In fact, she argues that "slow scholarship" enhances our quality of scholarship. I like the idea of rest as a form of resistance and taking time to recharge to ensure that I produce high-quality work. Unfortunately, that is just not the way that I am wired nor do I feel that I have the privilege of doing so at this time in my life and my career...and for other reasons.

Boyd also writes about the importance of community. She writes about this from the perspective of academic writing in community, I think this applies to other areas of my life too. To me, the ideas of slowing down and valuing community go hand-in-hand. For many reasons that I won't get into here, I view myself as a bit of a loner. For many reasons, I've stopped trusting people, and it's just faster, easier, and safer for me to go alone. But recently, one of my friends and colleagues reminded me that I had accomplished a lot in a short amount of time: "so how are you celebrating this really exciting time in your life?" I said, "huh?!" She replied, "Yeah, you are doing well professionally, you were admitted to doctoral programs, and other things seem to be going well. Are you celebrating?" I've always been hard on myself, and I am terrible at stopping to remember my accomplishments and often focus on what I've done wrong. Without my community, I would be a mess, and I am grateful for the people in my circle each day who remind me that it's OK for me to slow down and to celebrate micro-wins.

During residency week, someone told me, I should strive to publish 6-8 articles per year. I thought, well, if that's what I have to do to achieve my goals, I'll do it because I want to succeed, but how can I possibly fit this in while working full time, eating, working out, commuting to and from work, oh, and sleeping? I told my advisor about my concerns and also decided to tell her that I think I have my dissertation topic all picked out, started a working document, and began filling in a methods section. Remember, this is before the first day of classes. Her reply put me at ease: "That's great, but you definitely have time."

So I will carry that with me and apply it to other areas of my life:

1. When others ask me to produce something in an unreasonable amount of time, I will encourage them to be more proactive in the future and help them understand what goes into building something strong and effective.
2. When I have a lot on my plate (emotionally, mentally, etc.) I will do my best to open up and share it with my community and those who care most about me to lighten the load. This will take some time. I desperately NEED to start trust people again.
3. I will consider writing groups/sessions with other first year doc students in my program. We have so much to learn from each other, and maybe others are self-conscious about their writing too.
4. Lastly, I will commit to rest as a form of resistance. I love rollerblading, watching 90s teen dramas (I'm almost done watching Felicity, and to be honest, I liked the haircut!), and mall walking (LOL). I hope to do more of that.

I'm looking forward to slowing down and focusing on what's truly important in my life. I don't know how to start, but I'll do my best to try. If I focus on that, I think I can become a better scholar and friend and overall, someone that I can be really proud of someday. 

I've taken the same Jetblue flight from Boston to Buffalo a million times since August 2019 until August 2023. OK, well, it probably has not really been a million times, but you get the point! I've done it a lot. But this time, when I flew in to Buffalo on August 21, 2023, flying over Diamond Hawk golf course into Buffalo Niagara International Airport, it felt different. I was flying into a place that felt very familiar to me, but deep down, I knew that something was about to change...or, at least, that is what I was thinking at the time. I usually try to use that flight to answer emails and get work done (shout out to Jetblue's free WiFi!), but this time the WiFi was not working (UGH!). When the unexpected happens, I try to take a deep breath and see it as a sign that it is time for me to slow down and engage in some sort of prayer or reflection. Microsoft word works without WiFi, so I used it as a time to write down all of the things I want to tell myself when I graduate from this program in a few years or so. But let me back up...

A quick background on myself: I am originally from Buffalo, New York. It's the home of some of the best food in the country (I'm ready to debate), some of the kindest people on the planet Earth (we are the "City of Good Neighbors," after all), and home to sports teams that break our hearts (#RIPBuffaloBraves - ask me why I will never be a Clippers fan). I grew up going to UB Bulls football and basketball games and even had my high school graduation in the Center for the Arts, but for some reason, I never thought that I would be a UB student. I'll write another blog post someday about my application and discernment process, but for now, I'll just say that UB was not initially on my radar as I was looking for PhD programs. However, as I explored more, I realized that this was a golden opportunity: I could continue to work full time which means that I can continue to pay my bills and contribute to a 401k while also pursuing a PhD from an R1 institution. Sign me up!

Residency week was about 2.5 days. Thursday and Friday were full days of presentations and getting to know others in the program, and Saturday was a combination of orientation activities and some information presentations. I went in thinking, "Am I doing the right thing?" See, initially, I thought I should pursue a degree in Educational Research, Evaluation, Assessment, Psychometrics, etc., but I landed on Information Science as an opportunity to combine all of my interests. It is interdisciplinary and allows me to learn from and with people from other disciplines. After several presentations, it was now my turn to share my research interests:

"Hi, my name is Kayla Burt, but you can call me KB if you want. I am interested in the college admissions process. Well, I was an admissions officer for much of my career." I looked out at the room at folks who have been working for longer than I have been alive. My "career" has been all of 6 years at this point. Why did I say that? I continued, "I've seen all sides. I've done recruiting, a bit of marketing, though it was not my favorite. Oh, my favorite part was evaluation. I saw that we collect lots of data in admissions, but we do not always use it effectively. Let me explain, I want to use predictive analytics and forecasting, and I wish we did more focus groups or interviews to learn how students felt about the process. I want to understand how prospective students get their information in the process and how they use it. On the other hand, I want to study evaluators and understand if the criteria they use to make their decisions is equitable, and does it accurately predict student success? And does anyone really study graduate admissions from an information science perspective? Oh, right. - my advisor, Dr. Hands, does. I have lots of ideas of my own, but my job does not always allow me to explore my interests. Professionally, I am 'stuck' answering other people's questions, but through this program I hope to explore my own interests. Thanks for your time."

Guess what happened! People smiled and nodded. They asked clarifying questions. They also gave me theories to consider using and articles I should read. They even gave me suggestions for methods to use. Yay! For the first time in a while, I felt like I had a community of people who understood me and who were committed to learning and growing with me. A whole community! We were all in it together, and we just wanted to make each other better. So as I observed the ways in which the faculty interacted with each other and with us, the students, I built a list of things I want to remember for myself as I work through the program:

1. Always stay open - One of the faculty in the room mentioned that I should be open-minded when it comes to narrowing my dissertation topic and the methods that I plan to use. But I also want to stay open to learning from others who are different than me. Different opinions and experiences help us grow. This brings me to my next point...
2. Be nice - Sometimes, in different areas of my life, my thoughts and ideas are dismissed for a number of reasons. Maybe people think that I am not experienced enough or that my ways of thinking are too different. Maybe they are used to doing something one way, so doing something differently is too much. I work hard and am eager to be the best I can be, and someday when I come across others who are as eager, I hope I can help them grow into the person, professional, and researcher they were destined to be. I will never "have" time, but I will choose to "make" time. Even in moments of discomfort, I hope that I am able to be nice to everyone and agree/disagree respectfully. We're all people, and you never know what someone is going through.
3. Keep asking questions - I truly believe that we, as humans, are never done learning in a world that is constantly changing.
4. If they aren't laughing at you, your dream isn't big enough - I actually got this one from Tony Parker's hall of fame speech, but I kept reminding myself of this during residency week. During those 2.5 days, I truly felt like I had the freedom to dream big. Over the past few years, it has been difficult to discern who has a vision "of" me vs. a vision "for" me. I have always been an underdog: professionally, in sports, and in many other aspects of my life. I am used to the laughter, and I try my best to use it as fuel. Which ties nicely into my last point...
5. Things are much better in community - Yikes! I am really good as monitoring my circle and going places alone. It is just more comfortable for me (and safer...I'll talk about that in another blog post). But I know I must make time for people who are important to me. A few years ago before I moved to Boston, I built a "committee." It consists of people who are accomplished in their own right, and I know they love me dearly. They are people who are not afraid to tell me when I am messing up or going down the wrong path, but they also remind me to give myself grace. I am soooo bad at this. So as I pursue this degree while working full time, I know I will likely miss some holidays, birthdays, recitals, games, and ceremonies, but I will be open and honest and repay them as best as I can when I reach the other side. If you don't hear from me, I promise, I am OK. Just keep me in your thoughts/prayers, and I'll keep you in mine.

So, here I go. I wonder what I will add to my list along the way. For now, let's get this started! Thanks for coming on this journey with me. Oh, and if you made it to the end of this post, thank you! You matter! :)