"That's great, but you definitely have time!"

It's almost as if I live in two worlds. In one ear, I hear constant requests for surveys or other assessment tools with tight turnarounds, and in the other ear I hear, "it's OK to slow down." It's hard for me to discern which voices to listen to and when.

In Michelle R. Boyd's book, "Becoming the Writer You Already Are," she writes about "slow scholarship" and encourages the reader to push back against unrealistic expectations of productivity. In fact, she argues that "slow scholarship" enhances our quality of scholarship. I like the idea of rest as a form of resistance and taking time to recharge to ensure that I produce high-quality work. Unfortunately, that is just not the way that I am wired nor do I feel that I have the privilege of doing so at this time in my life and my career...and for other reasons.

Boyd also writes about the importance of community. She writes about this from the perspective of academic writing in community, I think this applies to other areas of my life too. To me, the ideas of slowing down and valuing community go hand-in-hand. For many reasons that I won't get into here, I view myself as a bit of a loner. For many reasons, I've stopped trusting people, and it's just faster, easier, and safer for me to go alone. But recently, one of my friends and colleagues reminded me that I had accomplished a lot in a short amount of time: "so how are you celebrating this really exciting time in your life?" I said, "huh?!" She replied, "Yeah, you are doing well professionally, you were admitted to doctoral programs, and other things seem to be going well. Are you celebrating?" I've always been hard on myself, and I am terrible at stopping to remember my accomplishments and often focus on what I've done wrong. Without my community, I would be a mess, and I am grateful for the people in my circle each day who remind me that it's OK for me to slow down and to celebrate micro-wins.

During residency week, someone told me, I should strive to publish 6-8 articles per year. I thought, well, if that's what I have to do to achieve my goals, I'll do it because I want to succeed, but how can I possibly fit this in while working full time, eating, working out, commuting to and from work, oh, and sleeping? I told my advisor about my concerns and also decided to tell her that I think I have my dissertation topic all picked out, started a working document, and began filling in a methods section. Remember, this is before the first day of classes. Her reply put me at ease: "That's great, but you definitely have time."

So I will carry that with me and apply it to other areas of my life:

1. When others ask me to produce something in an unreasonable amount of time, I will encourage them to be more proactive in the future and help them understand what goes into building something strong and effective.
2. When I have a lot on my plate (emotionally, mentally, etc.) I will do my best to open up and share it with my community and those who care most about me to lighten the load. This will take some time. I desperately NEED to start trust people again.
3. I will consider writing groups/sessions with other first year doc students in my program. We have so much to learn from each other, and maybe others are self-conscious about their writing too.
4. Lastly, I will commit to rest as a form of resistance. I love rollerblading, watching 90s teen dramas (I'm almost done watching Felicity, and to be honest, I liked the haircut!), and mall walking (LOL). I hope to do more of that.

I'm looking forward to slowing down and focusing on what's truly important in my life. I don't know how to start, but I'll do my best to try. If I focus on that, I think I can become a better scholar and friend and overall, someone that I can be really proud of someday.